Monday, January 19, 2009

I've been battling many issues for so long and the one that keeps coming up like a CANCER is my weight.. I use to starve it off as a teen all the way to young adult.. About a year or two ago, I lost it through being more 'spiritual'. Worked pretty well, but just as I was about 10 or 15lbs from my goal weight, I just flopped!! The weight started piling back on and now I'm fat again.. Now I've never gained back up to 245 like I was at my heaviest.. I've always kept that last 20 to 30lbs off. But the rest of it keeps coming back over and over again.. It's really annoying.. I can't say it's depression.. I can't say it's this total unhappiness.. It's an eating disorder that I've had since I was BORN.. It goes from compulsive over eating, down to anorexia.. Weird.. Like being Bipolar just with food!! Geez... But I feel the worst if over in this 'swing' in the fat episode.. I don't feel as out of control as I have before, and I think it's because of where I am in life.. I'm 31, not 18.. I'm more set.. I know I CAN eat what I want, so there's no desperation trigger.. You know.. You can't have it so you WANT IT BAD!! This comes and goes now. :) I'm happy about that.

I'm not dieting.. I swore I would never diet again. It doesn't work.. You'll lose it, but you'll gain it back as soon as the diet is over.. But I'm not so stupid as to think that the weight is just gonna fall off.. There has to be balance.. The best choice for me is to eat that meal.. THAT meal... And stop.. Rest.. Think about do you want seconds? Thirds? Really? Probably not.. I believe that is a plan that will work for anyone.. Everyone knows how to diet.. From healthy to the most ANOREXIC starvation diet you can think of you know how to do it.. Just like I do.. But it won't last if your mind isn't set.. Most people are fat for the same reason I am. Because there's something in their minds that isn't clicking right. You eat when you're not hungry.. You eat cause it's there.. I have caught myself just looking for something to eat CAUSE I CAN EAT IT!! That's why diets don't work, hunger is the last of your issues.. Sure that first day, it may be.. But most of the time... It's all mental..

Do I have a magic diet plan? Yes.. THINK... You can't starve your self.. And you'll never stick to it.. You'll feel horrible and then you'll quit.. Then you'll be back on square one.. And so much sadder than you were when you started.. All you can do is eat if you're hungry, then stop.. At first you may have trouble stopping. Well, it's not the end of the world.. Practice makes perfect. Beating yourself up, does nothing but leave you with emotional black eyes. Start making a practice of asking yourself, can I do without more of this? Can I wait a few hours before I eat more.. Most of the time, after a few minutes or an hour, you've forgotten that you're suppose to eat more of it.. And then you don't really want it.. Or it's time to eat again anyway!!

Water is important.. Drink as much water as you can drink. All day. Every chance you get, because it will fill you up. I ate this morning and have been drinking water all day and I'm still STUFFED! I think that's a good start.. At first I was really hopeless, but now I'm feeling like this set back is not the end of the world. :) Feels great to not feel hopeless.. Even if it's just for one day.

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